The whole world has been against her. She’s become more of a punch line than a celebrity. Instead of celebrating with Lindsay about the small victories as you should with any type of addict (my step father was an alcoholic for 10 years) people have joked about how she can’t do it. I would cry too if someone finally told me to celebrate after spending so long being a joke.
I think — no, I know — that this is extremely true of me.
It can be lonely. I interpret want as not always necessarily being romantic want. I have the kind of violently screwed up low self-esteem that makes it so that I can never believe that even people I consider my friends actually want me around. I kind of think almost all the time that maybe they’re just tolerating me to be polite, that I’m a nuisance they put up with. I don’t know why I’m like this, just that I’ve always been like this. I am still trying to figure out how to correct it.
But the being busy, it hasn’t really been such a bad thing. I could be busier, really, but I’ve been incredibly busy. And I’m getting a good amount done, and it makes me happy, and I feel fulfillment, and it makes me like myself a little more, and sometimes I think that’s probably better. Your accomplishments, they can’t reject you. They can’t get up, walk away from you, and shut you out. Once they’re there, they’re there. Once they’re yours, they’re yours.